Lucky, lucky us!

So I was talking to a friend I ran into at WalMart today about ‪#‎FirstWorldProblems‬ and how hard life seems at times, when really it isn’t at all. I mean, sure we all have our issues, but most of us have roofs over our heads, food to eat, clothing to wear, etc. The conversation sprang out of her reading a rant I’d posted on facebook a few days earlier, which is not too relevant to this blog post, but it didn’t come from nothing. Point is, we both acknowledged that we’re a lot better off than we tend to think we are, and we shouldought be more grateful than we usually are.

The conversation picked back up while I was going through the checkout, with the checker commenting that people often come through his line complaining that their day is totally ruined because something or other is out of stock, and I reiterating that these people need to get a grip on reality. He said mine was “a welcome perspective.” You know, the cashiers can’t get TOO comment-y at work, they have to be polite and all that, but I could tell he was sick of spoiled people whining about inconsequential crap. Really, how important can it be if you’re buying it at WalMart?

So I walked out muttering to myself about “Us spoiled rich folk who don’t know how good we’ve got it”. And I have to ask the genpop: Are you still spoiled if you KNOW you’re spoiled, or does that just make you lucky and grateful?

Today I am grateful for so much, so many, many blessings showered upon me from every direction. Friends, family, and even strangers. The people who built my house. The power company. The water company. My internet provider. The farmers and workers who grew and made my food. The people who made my clothing (and the fabric from which I made my own). The people who invented, manufactured, and built my computer, television, cellphone, and mechanical bed. The truckers who brought all of it to Montana for me! All of it! All the doctors and nurses who’ve ever kept me healthy, and the lawyers and secretaries and office workers who sit in cubicles all day and push paper around so that I don’t have to. The garbage collectors who take away my trash, let’s not underestimate how incredibly valuable they are! And thousands, millions more people I can’t even name, all over the planet, because products I use and enjoy come from everywhere in the world. I do not live in a vaccuum. I am so ferociously spoiled, and I just want to take a moment to acknowledge it. I would like to think that by reading this, you feel a little gratitude for all those people in YOUR life, too. Because they are, and your life would be poorer without them. Think about it. A little gratitude goes a long way. Take a moment to feel the awe and the wonder and the majesty of it all.

Are we lucky, or what?


Three Buildings, Four Airplanes, and a Field

Okay, so this is gonna be unpopular. But I’m gonna say it anyway.

9/11 is stupid.

Yeah, you heard me, America. You’re all a bunch of stupid, whiny babies for getting your panties in a bunch over 9/11. It was fourteen god-damned years ago. Get. Over. It. I am sick to death of reading all these chest-thumping proclamations of brain-dead blind patriotism over this stupid event.

And I’m an American!

Listen up, America: we deserved 9/11. We are assholes. We are the bullies on the international playground, who beat up all the other countries and take their lunch money and then pee in their hair. Yeah, you heard me, that’s us. Nobody likes us. But there’s a reason for that. Nobody likes us because we are assholes. So when another country (or even a few private whack-jobs) dared to stand up to us and spit in our face by bombing a few buildings, we totally and completely had it coming as a nation.


I remember watching tv that day. I was watching M*A*S*H when it was interrupted by the news, showing live footage before the buildings came down. You know, the footage they don’t show anymore, of the people jumping out of the buildings and stuff? Yeah, I saw that shit live. I remember. I was pissed, because I wasn’t really impressed, and wanted to get back to my rerun of a comedy about the Korean War. A bombing in NYC? Using airplanes full of innocent civilians for bombs? Really? Who the fuck cares? I’m in fucking Montana, for god’s sake! And the Pentagon? Good fucking riddance! Please, blow up some more warmongers, and then get back to me when you’ve finished the job. That building’s still mostly intact. Jeezus, put M*A*S*H back on now, ya bastards!

I was a little bit impressed that someone had finally gotten the balls to stand up to America the Bully and given us a black eye. “Yes, we deserve that,” I thought. Okay, I may have even said it aloud. “This is entirely fair. Good for them, they did what every nation out there wants to do to us, but doesn’t have the courage to do, or even admit that they want to do. It’s only what everyone was thinking of doing all along.” But more than that, I didn’t really worry about it.

Okay, I felt sorry for the individuals who lost their lives. Did *they* deserve, as individuals, to die? No, of course not. But we, as Americans, most definitely and without question deserved to have a handful of innocents brutally ripped from our midst for no good reason. Because we do that to people all around the world every damned day. And we deserve to know what it feels like, to get a little of our own medicine back for a change. Yes, I said a handful. Because in comaparison to the numbers of innocent deaths WE inflict globally, it *was* a handful. Chump change. Fergeddaboutdit. It was a mosquito bite.


It’s 2015. 9-11-2015. Fourteen fucking god-damned years later.

And everyone in America has lost their fucking minds. Why? Because it’s fucking 9/11 again. And that date has this mystical quality about it that makes Americans go batshit insane. We have this double standard that it’s okay to do this unto others, but woe betide anyone who even thinks about doing unto us.

You know what? Fuck you, America. That’s not fair. That’s not right. You can do this to everyone else, but they can’t do it back? No. That mentality doesn’t work on the playground, and it won’t work in the international court of opinion, either. You knew that wasn’t right when you were five years old, and you know it now. Just because you can get away with it doesn’t make it okay. You are bullies and assholes, and you deserve everything you got and a thousand times more. Fuck you up the ass a thousand times with a rusty cheese grater. It’s for your own god-damned good. Maybe you’ll develop a little bit of compassion after you’ve experienced the pain from the other side for once in your priveleged, white-collar, spoiled life.

But you know what? That just didn’t happen.

Because some people are incapable of learning. They’re too stupid to learn! And those of us who already knew, we didn’t need the lesson, we were already compassionate, but we don’t make policy. 9/11 did not create a more compassionate, kind, and caring America. It just made the bully meaner and bitchier, and now whinier, too. And it made me that much more ashamed of my fellow countrymen.

So on this anniversary of nothing very important, I would like to encourage all my fellow Americans to put on their big-girl panties, say a prayer for the innocent lives lost (but just a quick one, for the love of Pete, it’s been fourteen years!), and get on with your lives. Stop waving flags, stop beating your chest, stop thinking you’re the center of the universe, stop killing people, stop hating your fellow man, stop beating up innocent Muslims because you’re an ignorant bigot, stop oppressing women, stop killing dogs, stop poisoning the environment, stop fighting over who has the best imaginary playmate, stop all that shit. Grow a pair, grow the fuck up, get a life, and go live it!

Thank you.